I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
