mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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