i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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