Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
