based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
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Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize