I never want to see another naked old woman again.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
