why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
