dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
