Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
