Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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