Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
