it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh god it's open bar.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize