I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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