In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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