Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
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I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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