Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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