hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
