a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
