My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
