if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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