first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
