Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
