We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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