Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
