hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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