Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
