if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
