My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
