I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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