The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
