I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
