New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
