Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
