I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
