My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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