I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
