So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
false alarm, still single
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
