it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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