Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
