why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
