Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
