I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
