Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He shit in the fireplace
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
