I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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