Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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