You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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