Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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