Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
