You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
