everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
