Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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