remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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