You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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