I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The Olympian is in my bed
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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