I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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