I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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