Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
